Let me present the current day, Halloween version of Gridlock:

In this story, the citizens of the region crowd into the mall for an attempt at Trick o’ Treating when Halloween night is plagued with really cold rain. Everyone enters into the queue that wraps around the entire mall and waits patiently while the line plods along past store-after-store with signs saying, “Sorry, out of candy!”

I find myself wondering, what if we are all full of faith that the elusive “Store with Candy” is just around the next bend, and we’ll just keep going and going and going, walking around and around the mall, not really noticing we’ve passed the same store three times because all the stores look the same, and we won’t leave because surely if there was no candy left anywhere in the mall, the line would break up and the people in front of us would go home, right?
(Look, Daddy! She gave me a COUPON!)

• Ate some banana, avocado, yogurt, and sweet potato.



• Stole his Daddy’s bagel and slurped the cream cheese off of it, and he eyed us intently when we ate.



• Started making fart sounds and smacky sounds.
• Enjoyed hanging out in his high chair to play the “throw things on the floor and watch Mommy pick them up” game.
• Sat without falling over! Anya likes to tell this story. We were outside, and I was in the garden, and Kostya was under a tree on his blanket, and Anya was with him, and Kostya was sitting there, and he sat and sat and sat for 20 minutes and then Anya got bored and pushed him over.



• Hosted a tick on his head for a brief time.
• Went to his first community yard sale.
• Said, “bububububub,” which, according to Anya, means “Bubba.”

Anya finished first grade,

and had her first sleepover with a friend. (It wasn’t planned, and I hadn’t had time to prepare myself, and I was all with the freaking out, “Mah baybee!” After I got over the freaking, Andy and I took Hardee’s food home and watched violent television we can’t watch around Anya.) Anya also created her own tree house. There were separate rooms and a doorbell and she sat in it and read a book.

Carol bought a gallon-sized bag of buttons for $5, planted tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, and flowers, and got a weed eater for her 16th anniversary.

Andy gave his wife a weed eater for their 16th anniversary and survived to tell the tale, and he planted a LOT of grape vines.

• Learned how to turn pages in board books.
• Listened intently when read to.
• Celebrated Easter for the first time. The Easter Bunny brought him socks with sea creatures on them because what says Easter better than an octopus?



• Produced a giant poo of doom. (Since this time, there have been many giant and doomy poos, so I can’t really say if the one from month six was really note worthy. However, since I didn’t measure and have nothing to compare it with, I will have to give this poo the benefit of the doubt.)
• Took his first trip to DC, where he road his first escalator, took his first shower, saw his first dinosaur, and went to his first concert.



• Met Grandma Diane.
• Started working on sitting up on his own.
• Went swimming for the first time. He loved it.



• Began making zerberty farty noises.
• Pooed 4 times in one day. (I can state with total confidence that this has not happened since and is therefor deserving mention.)
• Gardened with Mama by hanging out on a blanket and eating grass and leaves.

Anya tore a hundred or so pages out of coloring books, rolled them into cylinders, and tied or taped them – Easter Presents. She preformed in the local old time radio show with some classmates,
celebrated her birthday at the pool, finally (FINALLY!) got to watch dvds in the minivan, drove an underwater robot at the National Science Festival, earned her white ribbon in gymnastics, and gave her brother a bath (notice the strategically placed Barbie doll).

Carol reminisced while listening to They Might Be Giants, stood about ten feet away from Bill Nye, and turned a dozen people into zombies – all at the National Science Festival.

And some mice moved into Andy’s car and munched on all the fun stuff left behind from Carol’s and Anya’s and Kostya’s road trip a few months before. And then the mice pooped in Andy’s car. (Thankfully not giant poops of doom.) Andy needs to clean his car.

In his fifth month, Kostya…

• Rolled over. I’m not sure what he rolled over or where he rolled over or if there were any circumstances of note beyond the actual movement. Rolling. Over.
• Experienced his first ice storm. (Not impressed.)
• Sat in his bumbo chair. Like three times. Anya LOVED her bumbo, so Santa gave K one for Christmas. (In fact, Anya was so excited about the chair that she would pull it out every few days to see if K was ready for it yet.) Santa even got the little table that goes with it. Santa did not give K the teeny thighs that the designers apparently think all babies have.
• Directed the planting of some fruit trees. (“The apple tree goes over there… No, to the right! The right!”)



• Decided he wanted to sleep in the big bed and to wake up every two hours. (I’m not sure “big” is the right word for the bed anymore.)
• Started out-peeing two diaper inserts at night. We call this a PeePlosion.
• Demanded bigger bottles. (Perhaps related to the prior statement?)
• Weighed in at 14 lbs and was 25 inches tall.
• Dreamed of bananas.



• Bewitched all who met him.
• Asked Mama, “What is this hard, sharp, white bump that appeared in my mouth?”



• Had bestowed upon him his first super hero name: Super Snotty Baby with the power of drooling and flying! (Mama is Super Tree Girl, and Anya is Super Fairy Girl with the power to do ANYTHING!)
• Realized he loves to be read to. Luckily he has a big sister who loves to read to him.
• Ate Anya’s laundry.



• Pulled All The Things off the table. Every table. Neither water glass nor hamburger nor pretty flower arrangement is safe from Super Snotty Baby!.

Meanwhile, Anya changed a diaper (good thing I wrote this down because I have no memory of it and have a hard time believing it), planted some fruit trees, found she loves cursive writing, started learning about fractions, and did math with bunny gummies.

Carol jumped for joy when the school FINALLY got its 501(c)3 status approved, growled when How I Met Your Mother ended, and hid in fear from the Washing Machine Monster.

And Andy started juicing. I do not recommend the celery, cucumber, kale concoction.

So ends the tale of when Kostya was 5 months old. Or at least that’s what my notes say. I remember very little of it. (There was an ice storm!?) It is possible someone cracked my super-secure password and rewrote those notes. Or I could have gotten the months transposed. Or maybe I’m lying and I just copied stuff from Anya’s fifth month post. If I can’t tell, I’m figuring you can’t, either.

In month four, Kostya

– Quit his day job at the school, so he can spend more time with his Auntie M.,
– Finally experienced the joy that is nakey-butt time (it’s been too cold!),
– During said time in the aforementioned item, rolled over with a little bit of assistance,
– Went on his first road trip to visit his Grandparents down South,

– Stayed in a hotel for the first time,
– Made Grandma laugh so hard she almost peed her pants due to his insane chortling when she zerberted his feet,
– Talks…a lot, drools…a lot, and giggles…a lot…especially when you tickle (or zerbert) him,
– Had his first yoga lesson,
– Rode in his snazy stroller,
– Continued the tradition of being photographed with stuff on his head,

– Got his first cold, gained half a pound, and outgrew some of his 3-6 month clothes and the first level of his bed,
– Slept through the night a few times,
– Went to his first grown-up party,

– Discovered those things at the end of his legs are FUN,
– Finally got his Superman outfit back from the tailor (where is that picture??)
– Tried to pull my cheek off my face with his superhuman strength (see above), and
– Got Mama a little payback by twisting his fingers into Anya’s hair and pulling!

Anya visited the Great Wall of China, said “something” a lot less when reading, flew a helicopter, took her first voluntary shower, read to Kostya, taught Gramma and Kostya some yoga, learned to play poker, and added to her vocabulary great sayings and words like: “What the huh?,” “Sheeeeeesh,” “Uh—yuh!,” and “Morlon” (as in Mama, you are a morlon!).

Carol knitted half a sock, stared longingly at craft books (and really books in general), tried to do some scrapbooking at home when she wasn’t able to make a crop and realized it just wasn’t much fun alone, and was reunited with her Little People toys.

Andy got a hair cut, watched the baby alone for three whole hours, and went to a LOT of meetings.

It’s a bit hard to write this third month list of tricks since his fourth month just wrapped up. What a bad scrapbook-type I am for getting a month behind. (On the other hand, being behind is pretty typical of the scrapbook type, so perhaps I am merely sticking true to form?)

In month three, Kostya

– Became the master of his own noggin,
– Spoke his first words (according to Anya): hi, Carol, and I,
– Broke all our family diaper records with a score of five poo diapers in one day,
– Performed in his first musical, appearing as the Giggling Penquin,

– Celebrated every occasion with the bubbly (drool that is),
– Expanded up to 11.5 pounds,
– Began waking up less during the night,
– Became indoctrinated into the scrapbook cult (is baby snot an archival-quality adhesive?),

– Got his first job as the office pet as his sister’s school,
– Discovered the joy that is sucking on his hand and fingers,
– Began grabbing things like his blanket and pink kitty and my clothes and hair (ow),
– Found the perfect hair style: the cupie doll hair curl, and
– Performed in his second theatrical production: Monster Baby Is Going to Eat You.

Anya saw Frozen, learned finger how to finger knit, forgot how to finger knit, started reading chapter books (filling in words she couldn’t read with “something” — “Jack and Annie something the something and something something cat!”), decided her favorite thing to say to her parents was “No Excuses!,” and finally got enough snow to use her Christmas sled.

Carol went back to work, got a minivan, knitted and crocheted a wee bit, went to a crafty day, played in the snow, and late one night dumped a bowl of water in the middle of the bathroom floor because her brain didn’t think it was necessary to tell her hand to move the bowl over the sink first.

Andy still needs a hair cut, said goodbye to his VW, raked gravel, shoveled snow, and turned our driveway into a luge run.

Up next… Four — It’s just like three, but bigger!

Here’s the report on Kostya’s new tricks. At two months he…

– imitates horses in addition to turtles and pterydactls
– out wetted his tiniest diapers
– slept for three hours in his own bed
– had his first Christmas
– outgrew several of his 0-3 month footed jammies
– got a new sling for his mom

– was stepped on by a dog (Don’t ask; he’s fine.)
– tasted a french fry (I need to wear a bib.)
– smiled and giggled and chortled
– almost has a buff enough neck to sit in his bumbo chair
– likes to practice grabbing stuff stuck into his hands
– received his first immunization

I think it’s a bit sad to only write about what Kostya has done in this last month. What about the rest of us? Are we not cute and snuggly, too?

Anya has been: writing and reading, creating “tickets” and making notes, cutting up paper into tiny bits to spread about the house, using sidewalk chalk as make up, going to gymnastics class, doing origami, playing the harmonica, and providing enthusiastic commentary during diaper changes.

Carol has been sleeping/not sleeping, watching, pondering, doing a wee bit of crocheting, dreaming about using her new quilling tools, taking care of Kostya, and getting ready to go back to work.

Andy has been cooking, fetching, playing with Anya, chauffering, organizing craft/yarn stuff, and keeping things running in general. He needs a hair cut.

“One day I was unhappy because I didn’t get enough sleep at night because my baby kept me up.”

Luckily, this first month with Kostaya has held only small amounts of crying or wailing (from either him or me), and it has seen me wearing regular clothes nearly every day. [I set two daily goals for myself: (1) take a shower and (2) wear real clothes. I am a superhero.]

Now, let’s talk about Kostya and clothes. I was so spoiled with Anya being a late spring baby. When we were at home, all she needed was a diaper, and when we went out, she could get by with a onesie. Late fall babies aren’t so lucky. This guy has to wear clothes even at home! And not just a little onsie. Oh no. His poor skinny legs would freeze. He needs pants. AND socks. And the onsies? All those cute little short-sleeved onesies? When he wears them I have to keep a blanket handy so his poor skinny arms won’t freeze. I actually went to the store and bought him a few more pairs of pants. Can you believe that? Or perhaps a better question to ask would be, “Can you believe it didn’t occur to me when looking at all those cute little short-sleeved onsies that this guy was going to be born in NOVEMBER?”

Before any of you kind readers run out to the store to buy this poor kid warm clothes, and before any of you kind readers out there say, “Dude! I bought you warm clothes for that kid!” let me say that as soon as he grows up a size, he will be SET. Pretty much all of you wonderful people who gifted us with clothing gave bigger sizes, and those of you who gave us newborn clothes are the reason this kid had warm clothes at all here at the start. It was all me looking at a huge pile of cute little short-sleeved onesie hand-me-downs thinking we were set. (I hope I haven’t offended anyone who gave us a cute little short-sleeved onesie, because I have been thankful for them, too, since even in late fall we have had some really warm days.)

Aside from contemplating his fashion options, what has this boy been up to in his first month? He has…

– worn more clothes than Anya did her first three months combined,
– timed his poo diapers so Mommy got to change all but one of them,
– taught Mommy the zen art of chair sleeping,
– been licked by a dog,
– attended his first school function,
– dined in two restaurants,
– taken more baths than Anya did her first three months combined (if anyone ever tells you boy parts have fewer places for poo to hide than girl parts, don’t believe them),
– learned to roll from side-to-side when wearing the right diaper,
– perfected his pterodactyl sounds,
– served as an arm rest for Mommy when she crochets, with a built in timer to prevent overuse of hands, and
– learned how to imitate a turtle streeeetttttching its neck out of its shell.

Today is his one month birthday, and I want to keep up the tradition we had with Anya of posting a photo and list of tricks learned each month for the first year or so. However, I haven’t taken that picture yet, so you’ll have to wait until at least tomorrow. Or perhaps February. Another reason for not posting the 1 month post yet is because it feels weird to me to write about month one before I write about day one. I’m really big on the chronology.

One thing I’m not really big on is writing a birth story about the pain and the mess and the pushing and the screaming and all that, so I’m not going to. Here’s my story: We went to the hospital, the medical people did medically stuff, a baby appeared, and I ate lime sherbert.

Okay, so you want a few more details than that? He…

– weighed 8 lbs, 14 ounces,
– stretched 21.5 inches long/tall,
– arrived tangled up in umbilical cord and with a hand/arm up by his face,
– had a decent amount of hair, realllllllly long fingers, and freaky vampirically long fingernails and toenails,
– came with a red birthmark on his forehead (which the nurse baby nurse swore would fade — how does she know?),
– and was pimplier-faced than the pimpliest-faced teenager.

Do you notice yet how I am avoiding using a name for the wee one? See, here’s the problem. When you call a person by a name for seven or so months, it’s really, really, really tough to suddenly start calling him by a totally different name. Mostly we are still calling him Bouncy (his pre-birth nickname), but I tend to introduce him to new people as Konstantin (his formal name — which one should use for introductions). Occasionally I call him Kostya (his post-birth nickname), and eventually I will say it and hear it enough times that it begins to feel more normal than Bouncy. Hopefully this will happen before he is a teenager.